Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
