I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
