Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
It's shark week go big or go home
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
