I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
We have started to decorate penises.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
