Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
