Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize