You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
