u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
