Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
