you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I think a kid would responsible me up
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
