everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
