I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
