You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
