my soul wont recognize me after tonight
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
