it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize