Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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