dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
