so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I could fuck to npr.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
