I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
