i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
