i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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