I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
