If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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