I can text with my tongue
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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