she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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