Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
