Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
