Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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