my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
