I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
