So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize