counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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