Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
