hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
