my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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