ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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