got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Randomize