I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
