conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
