I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
