there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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