you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
two words...techno handjob
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
