I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
