Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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