he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
