I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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