lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
