i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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