I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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