Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
So many bounce houses so little time
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
