please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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