just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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