ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
