a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
