Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
