Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
