i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Sext me about skeletons
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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