So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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