glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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