somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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