my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I wish you could order shots online.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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