So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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