After last night, I could never be a politician.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I am one with the molecules
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
