she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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