Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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